GET IT ALL

The group decides collectively to do a round of withholds or unsaids. This gives people an initial opportunity to declare their interest or lack of interest or emotional availability to participate.

If you look around and you notice there is someone with whom you feel some tension, or with whom you are feeling less open to communicating candidly because of some unexpressed feeling or undisclosed upset, then you have a withhold.

One of the purposes of these groups is to move through these feelings, or beliefs, by expressing them. Another purposes is to increase connection, and one way we block connections is by letting little upsets or fears pile up.

Imagine it this way: we each have a "communication channel" to each other.

When we don't say something, and it is still bothering us, then that "unsaid" or "withhold" starts to clog the channel.

Whatever is unexpressed and/or released starts to pile up and the "communication channel" between us then becomes clogged.

This limits our ability to be authentic and fully engaged with the other person. So, sharing withholds is done in order to keep a channel clear and release a block.

Because these are sometimes hard to hear, you should ask permission of someone. The standard format is:

Chris: "Sandy, I have a withhold for you. Can I share it with you?"

[Sandy checks in to make sure they can do two things: 1) they can actually listen to something that might be difficult to hear, and 2) be able to contain their reaction to hearing it.]

Sandy: "No"

Chris:  "Thank you."

-or-

Sandy: "Yes"

If Sandy says "No", the conversation ends and it is important for Chris to not try to convince Sandy that he should be allowed to tell her anyway. After the withhold is shared Sandy says: "Thank you". A back and forth about the content of the withhold does not take place until 24 hours have passed.

When Chris tells Sandy the withhold, as much as possible, they talk about their distrust or judgement, rather than venting from an angry place. "I heard that you said ______ and I felt upset about that. I thought you were being selfish and inconsiderate." OR "I saw you do ______ and I made it mean that you _______. Now I worry that you will ________." Do not get too hung up on the format, Chris is encouraged to express how they feel about whatever it is Sandy did or said. 

Your job when someone shares a withhold with you is to listen, and not respond. It is helpful to remember that when someone shares a withhold with you, it is in order to increase their sense of connection with you, not from a desire to blame or attack. After the withhold has been expressed you say "Thank you" to the person. If you did not understand their share you can say you have a clarifying question. But if you do not agree with what they said or you want to correct their understanding of what happened, this is not the right time for that.

In some cases the person sharing can request that the listener say back what they heard, to ensure their communication got across. If this is done, the listener shares back, sometimes word for word, what they heard and if it is close enough to what the person sharing said, then you are done.

Usually withholds are done in clusters, as in the entire group takes time to see who has withholds with whom and then several people take turns sharing withholds with various others, always starting with: " I have a withhold for you. Are you open to hearing it?"

Sources: Transparency Tools & Transparency Groups Fingerbook

Contributor: Paxus Calta-Star

Recommended Reading: Transparency Tools & Transparency Groups Fingerbook